There was always an internal confidence my dad had that made me proud of him and jealous that I didn't carry. That confidence was borne from him being a man, not any man, but A MAN-a fully grown adult who didn't depend on anyone to meet his needs. Americans only conceptualize of machismo from an American masculinity lens, but machismo is a bit more complex than simply a more extreme version of American masculinity, while machismo does demand that the woman in the household cook the meals, it also demands that if the woman is sick, is not around, or just walked away, a macho can cook a meal and feed himself and his family-a macho doesn't need ANYONE. If clothes aren't laundered a macho would show up to work in clothes he washed and pressed himself, because, again, he doesn't NEED ANYONE, having a wife to do all of the household chores is just a "perk" of being a man. I am not glamorizing this outlook as it is highly toxic and problematic; just as in the U.S., women are secondary, justifies domestic violence, and pressures men into doing everything all the time perfectly and alone.
However, this pandemic made me realize how weak American masculinity is compared to the masculinity I grew up with. As the pandemic developed, we saw the spread of mask mandates and with them, men pretending that we couldn't recognize their aggressiveness for what it was, groveling. I was ashamed for these men, they were so weak and childlike, as though American masculinity doesn't require adulthood or even pride.
Over and over I would see images of men refusing to put their masks on and then aggressively forcing someone to do work that, if they were developed adults, would be able to do for themselves. Back home, if a man were to go to a restaurant, and the restaurant placed a condition that man did not agree with, the MAN would let the owner know he disagrees and leave because it was important to show two things 1. He doesn't NEED someone who doesn't share his values and 2. He would never support someone he feels disrespected him, his pride was more important than whatever chicken was being served.
In the U.S. though, masculinity looks differently, I saw men show up to restaurants, get angry at the mask mandate, insult owners and then demand to be served by those same owners, the equivalent of "you have just disrespected me by asking me to wear a mask, but I so need your chicken because I am incapable of feeding myself that I will swallow my pride and try to force you to feed me and prove how much I depend on you for my survival." It was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen. You would think that whether a man agrees or disagrees with the mask mandate, he would be able to meet his needs without having to beg, but the aggression exhibited by these men belied their weakness and their inability to do basic things for themselves.
Americans are often eager to point out the ways in which masculinity around the world is toxic and damaging to women abroad, but are often unable to recognize how damaging masculinity is in the U.S. Actually, the toxicity of masculinity abroad is often raised when offering a critique of masculinity in the U.S. The reality is more complicated, masculinity adapts to whatever regional shape Patriarchy takes. We need to train our boys to be able to take care of themselves and not feel the need to force their incapacities on to others...and with COVID deaths being over half a million in the U.S. it becomes obvious that if we don't change our ways, toxic masculinity is deadly here too.
There are days I miss my dad, the food he prepared for me, the lamp he helped me build, I miss the aspects of machismo that required him to nurture me and gave him the pride to do so fearlessly.
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