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WITH APOLOGIES TO MY BODY AND ONWARD WITH GRATITUDE

For the first 40 years of my life I hated you. As a young child I hated that you were neither fast nor strong, as a teenager I blamed you for not having the flexibility that could get me into Julliard, as I lifted weights, I was angry you were not strong enough and as I became a lawyer I hated you for being the kind of body that helped me be a good lawyer. 

I didn't just hate you for my reasons; I also brought in people into my life that dumped their own self hate onto you and I agreed with them. You were blamed for their alcoholism, their inability to have an erection, and for holding erections for far too long, for their sex addictions, for their premature ejaculations and for their general unhappiness, what is worse; my hate for you was so strong, I could never fully trust anyone who loved you.

But then last year I was in an accident. It would have killed anyone who had a different body than you. The insurance assessor assumed the owner of my car had died and my chiropractor couldn't believe I was walking. I asked him why he was surprised and he said because someone of my age and profession shouldn't have a back that is as strong and flexible as my back was. It was as though all of the dancing and weightlifting you allowed me to do over the years, prepared you for my survival. He was impressed with you. You literally had the only back that could have survived that accident.

Since then I can't help but love you. I look back and see that the body that wasn't fast or strong enough had an endurance that went on the longest walk to find my missing little brother. Where cars couldn't fit, where strong bodies were helpless and where fast bodies tired, you kept going until you helped me find him. When you weren't good enough to even consider Julliard, your flexibility helped me earn a scholarship that would pay for college and when you weren't "strong enough" you were really still stronger than quite a few of the Bengals, but that doesn't matter because you were strong enough and flexible enough to save my life. 

I now see how wrong those who I invited into my life were about you and realize how much healthier my relationships would have been had I loved you. I have been on a few dates since the accident, the first person to suggest there was something wrong with you sent me over the edge-"when you can do for me what my body does for me, you can have an opinion" but on the other side I have experienced a joy I never experienced before, to fully believe someone when they tell me you are beautiful. 

Maybe it was turning 40, maybe it was being in a car accident, but I promise you that I will take care of you the way you deserve and that I will look at you with gratitude for allowing me to experience every moment of my life.  

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