MODERN IFIGENIA

I think of 2020 as a missing year, a lost year. My friends and I often joke that 2020 just doesn't count. I have internalized that message so much that even my math is affected; between January 2016 and January 2021 there are only four years. But if I am honest with myself 2020 was not lost, it freed me and the people I work for from unnecessary restraints, it gave me the space to prioritize and make a habit of prioritizing my health, and the time to really think about what I actually do and don't need to be happy.  I. HOBBIES: A.  I started 2020 with the goal of picking up pottery. I took courses at my alma matter which was probably the best decision ever, not only did I learn something new, but being so far removed from home meant that there was zero chance of running into work. It was also nice to connect with people on a level other than what I could do for them. Unfortunately, classes had to end, but to be bad at something and for that to be normal and expected ...

I am not sure where my friend pulled this line from, but when she said it, I almost broke down into tears. I was sharing with her that I have been feeling jealous of everyone lately. I have never been jealous before so I didn't understand what that was all about. She then explained that jealousy was shame covered in anger; when she articulated it that way, she spoke a truth to me that really hurt, but really healed. Thanks god for wise friends.

I ran across an  essay today and I almost fell apart. It highlighted a truth I knew subconsciously, but had trouble admitting to for along time. I am someone who hates being photographed, and after the end of my marriage, I realized I was in very few of the photographs we took; maybe 5 over an 8 year period. Keep in mind we traveled to Alaska, Kenya, Paris, London, Ireland, Jamaica, Venezuela, etc. so at the very least there should have been some photos of me in those places. I had long attributed the lack of photographs of myself to my absolute hatred of being photographed. But then I ran out of excuses, over that period of time I noticed that somehow, my friends and family had photographs of me. They captured me when I wasn't looking or when I was laughing so hard, I just couldn't stop them from taking pics. Somehow, the people who wanted me to be a part of their lives found a visual way of making room for me, even against my objections. A few weeks ago a n...

So here is the story of my blog. I started it several years ago, then I did nothing with it. I then started writing again...mostly about my divorce and I got tired of being "divorced", so I stopped writing again. Now I am back, ready to start writing about the lighthearted things I care about. The work I do can be relatively intense at times and I do want to do a better job at highlighting the things that bring joy into my life, or to vent if I am enraged. They are both great things that need to be tended to. Somehow work always finds a way to keep itself going, but joy and rage, often get repressed. I am putting a definitive end to that. So I will simply start by expressing gratitude towards all the people who have managed to make my life one worth living and for their willingness to walk along with me.