I decided to write about this because the long-established inverse relationship between competence and likeability for women that Sheryl Sandberg has discussed rather frequently, seems to play out in the dating world as well.
I am not going to talk too much about my life's accomplishments, but I am in mostly male dominated fields and I am a high performer. When I started dating, I found myself in situations where men would make statements like: "I am so proud of you and of knowing you" or "I can't believe I was lucky to meet someone like you" or "do you know who you are?" These questions would be followed by the explanation as to why we could not continue dating.
I chucked it all to chemistry or lack thereof. There wasn't animosity or hostility, it was just chemical. Recently, however, one of my dates decided he wanted to be just friends because he was extremely proud of me and would rather have me as a friend than as a romantic partner BECAUSE I was the most negative person he had ever met. I asked him to explain, as it all seemed internally inconsistent, how could I be negative and accomplished? If I am negative, why would you still want to be my friend-haven't you heard of the fadeaway? He explained he had never met anyone as accomplished as I am, but I just had a negative attitude. That same week, I met up with an old female friend who told me she enjoyed hanging out with me because I was so positive, SAY WHAT?
That's when I developed my theory of dating negativity. I know my sample is small, this recent date and an ex from many years ago-my ex confessed that he had broken up with me because every time he accomplished something, I would accomplish something bigger and while he was with me, he felt emasculated by my accomplishments. He told me that he has never dated anyone who made him prouder than I did, but at the time he didn't know how to handle that.
So I think when men accuse successful women of negativity, what they are actually saying is that they don't feel as good being around that woman. The negativity isn't the attitude of the woman, but the feelings of the man. Frankly, I couldn't accomplish all that I have if I didn't have a positive attitude, and sometimes a somewhat unrealistic optimism. But the date just saw someone who always out shined him, and instead of realizing he might just be a bit insecure, he accused me of being negative.
Just to be thorough, I reached out to my most recent long-term partner and he laughed when he heard the allegation, he had never seen me as a negative person. He was extremely accomplished-let's just say having meals with heads of states is not an infrequent occurrence in his life. He told me I was very positive and that's probably why we lasted as long as we did, because I kept thinking and finding ways of making our relationship work. (We broke up due to geographical challenges). He also is very proud of me.
So I think insecure straight men actually feel bad around successful straight women. The only straight men who feel good, are the ones who are very confident or consider themselves to be more successful than their female partners. Actually, I think for confident men, the correlation between competence and likeability isn't inverse, it is direct. While this inverse competence/likeability phenomena causes problems in the workplace, it makes dating easier. As I think about it, the men I have dated have become my friends and we support each other in our professional and personal lives-because my competence makes them like me (as a full person, even if there is no romance). The others, you know, the ones who have asked questions like the ones I mentioned above, have just disappeared and moved on to very mundane lives. I am not passing judgment, we all want different things in relationships and have different aspirations in life, I just know that the inverse competence-likeability phenomenon makes my dating life a lot easier...it keeps away the men who can't relate to me as an equal and are incapable of loving me for the things I have to offer this world.
Comments