I have been hesitant to share this thought. In some ways it reveals my naivete about past relationships, fears I have of future ones and weakness in relationships all around, However, I have had so many similar conversations with women of all ages, that I thought I would just publicize the idea however underdeveloped, because there is a young woman out there making a life decision right now and may be making the same mistake women have been making for millenia.
The idea first came when I told my aunt that I felt weird not being angry at my ex-husband. Everyone wanted me to hate him, but to me he was a "good man" and I couldn't hate him, to which she quickly replied that was the problem. I asked her to explain further. She said something to the effect of: "Look around, we are surrounded by bad men, now I know you love your uncles and cousins, but would you want to date any of them?" I briefly thought about it-the uncle who chased his wife with a machete for years until he got too old to keep doing it, the cousin who would tell his girlfriends he would kill himself if they didn't do as he wanted, the cousin who controlled his partners' wages, the uncle who cheated on his partners all the time, the uncle who asserted absolute control over his wife. As I looked around, all of the examples of male relatives in relationships were horrible. The stories of my peers were no better, by the end of my first semester in college, I was all too familiar with filing DV related police reports or visits to hospitals.
She continued: "You see, the women in our family have been making this mistake for years, we were surrounded by bad men, and the moment we found a "good man" we felt so normal and safe that we confused that with love and a healthy relationship, but in reality, we all just married the first guy who treated us like people."
This idea just simmered in my brain. As I examined my past relationships, my decisions seemed consistent; even worse, over the years, when that "good man" became bad, it was impossible to address because he would measure himself against an even worse man: "You are overreacting, its not like I did to you what John Doe did to Jane Doe."
I didn't really know whether there was real wisdom in this idea until a few months ago. One of my ex's-in fact the person with whom I have had the best relationship to date sent me a text thanking me for having been one his best partners. The conversation proceeded as follows (and I am paraphrasing).
Me: Hi, where is this coming from?
Him: I just want you to know I am grateful for all the effort you put into giving me one of the best relationships I have had.
Me: Well, our relationship was a very good one partly because you were in it. I didn't have this relationship alone.
Him: You shouldn't be giving me credit for it.
Me: Well, you were good to me.
Him: I know, but you deserve better, I want you to know something.
Me: Did you cheat on me or something?
Him: No, we always talk about how good our relationship was. That is fine for me to say and not you.
Me: Why?
Him: Because our relationship lasted because you did all the work. You give me credit for being a good partner when I was just not a jerk. I don't want you going through life thinking that a man not being a jerk is by default a good partner. You deserve a good partner, not just a not-a-jerk.
Me: Why are you telling me this.
Him: I could go through life letting you think I was a good partner, if we ever got back together again I could easily coast. But I want you to know in the next relationship you get into, that you deserve more than just not-a-jerk.
My ex was adding dimension to what my aunt told me: Not only are there just a few good men, those few good men learn to coast and postpone being good partners until they have to, because they know there isn't much competition. Since then, I have paid more attention to what it is I demand from relationships, what I enjoy from relationships. In fact, oftentimes, its just the ability to be a person, to have my own thoughts and tastes, to have boundaries respected...which is nice, but is it enough to marry someone? Is a "good man" or "not-a-jerk" enough? What I have also noticed are the "good men" who use that to avoid rising to being good partners. I can quote so many excuses me and my friends have heard over the years:
"Why are you being so demanding, its not like I am like John Jerk"
"I am John Not-a-Jerk to my kids, why do I have to be that to you as well?"
"Everyone knows I am a good man, why can't you accept that and just let me be in whatever destructive habit I have?"
etc. etc. etc. this blog entry is as incomplete and undeveloped as this idea, but I wanted young women out there to know better than to confuse someone who is just a good person with someone who is a good partner.
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